So, apparently I have one of those faces that puts people at ease and makes them feel like its ok to tell me their life story or their problems. For the most part I’m ok with that.  Partly because I’m a pretty quiet dude until the fourth or fifth drink, but mostly because I file a shit ton of what’s told to me into my vault of knowledge regarding all things about the human condition.  Seriously, I’m like wikipedia in that respect. I’m sure not all of it’s completely true, but it sounds good enough that I rarely get called on it. Usually, while someone is waxing moronic poetic about whatever it is they feel the need to tell me, at some point they will ask me what I think.

For example, yesterday I’m hiding from the wife  sitting at a fine local establishment enjoying  a couple of frosty beverages when a woman I have never met in my life starts telling me about her dating woes.  I’m only on drink two at this point so I just nod, smile weakly and let her vent.

Blah Blah Blah, she met a guy. He’s really nice and works at some engineering firm. They danced, they laughed, they kissed. He has no kids. She has three. Its tough to meet people…blah blah. Her kids are all sick with the flu… some shit about her sister. This guy is an only child. 

I smile and pretend to give a shit while she blabbles on nonstop. Somewhere around my fourth beer she hits me with the question.

Do you believe in love at first sight??  Hmmm.. now I’m thinking. Mentally I scanned the vault and found the appropriate jewel of wisdom to lay down on her.  So here’s what I told her.

Once when I lived in South Texas I was out at a Tejano club. Which if you knew me is hilarious in its own right, because I’m like the whitest dude on the planet. Think Kiefer Sutherland with Conan O’brien’s hair and you got me. Anyhow I was chilling when I locked eyes with a Latina princess I will never ever forget.  Long jet black, shiny hair, big doe eyes, full lips. In a word, I was horny smitten. Confidently, I walked over and introduced myself and asked her what her name was.  She smiled and said, “I’m Sally.”

Sally? WTF? I was expecting Maria or Alejandra or Selena, I don’t know, something Spanish sounding. Sally totally threw me for a loop. Anyway, believe it or not Poison’s Every Rose has its Thorn starts playing and I’m thinking this is about as surreal as it gets so I ask her to dance and she agrees.

It was the best dance ever, Sensual, sultry and boner inducing. Sally did this twirling thing with her fingers on the back of my neck that had my chalupa ready for action.  When the dance ended we moved to a table and tried talking.  This is where it all went bad. Sally habla’d like no English. And me, well I know like one sentence in Spanish and I already knew where the bathroom was so things were dead in the water. Besides that she was getting some unapproving looks from her friends and a small group of mean looking Spanish dudes where assembling and giving ol Rod the hairy eyeball so, reluctantly,  I broke contact and made my way to the bar to sip my beer and pine for things that could have been.

At closing time, as I made my way to the door, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to find Sally there looking up at me  with those big doe eyes.  Immediately my hope and boner were restored. I smiled widely and tried to use my eyes to communicate my feelings. I knew she caught my drift. Gently, her tiny brown hand cupped my nutsack and slowly and with purpose she said, ” Your peekle made my bun.”  Then she left.

Your peekle made my bun.  I turned the words over in my mind and decided I had no idea what the fuck she meant. But I knew my peekle and I would love her forever.

When I fininshed telling my story, I gazed off wistfully for effect and then said,” Yeah ,maybe I am a believer. You’re welcome.”

My new found bar friend looked at me a little strangely, asked if I was drunk and then looked at her watched and made an excuse to leave.

“Goodluck with whatshisface,” I called after her, satisfied that I had made her world a better place.

  1. I’m sorry I was buggin’ you ….hahaha

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