Thank God That’s Over….

Posted: November 29, 2010 in life stories, Mr. R smells like beer and cigarettes, true story

If you ask me, I am goddamn glad that Thanksgiving is over. I guess I could write the obligatory post on how my holiday was filled with crazy, hilarious hi-jinx, but that seems a bit played. I mean really, what would I write about?

I could write about how after an eight-hour drive to Maine with my two dogs, the inside of my truck looked like I’d had a three-way with a couple of Yeti. Nah, that would only be  good for like 42 words max.

Hmmm. I suppose I could put some funny shiz in there about seeing my parents for the first time in four years. But in reality the funniest thing happened when I walked in the door, said Happy Thanksgiving to dear old mom and she replied with, ” Happy Thanksgiving?  My turkey is gonna be drier than a popcorn fart, the dog has been up my ass all day, and your Father is driving me crazy. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving to you too.” 

Of course, I could write about a holiday miracle by describing how my 18 yr old niece overcame seemingly insurmountable odds and has learned to love again only two short weeks after breaking up with the love of her life, a high school drop-out and part-time chalupa maker at the local Taco Bell.  Her new love? Why he’s a twenty year old high-school dropout with an aspiring career in dirt track racing, once he saves up enough money working part-time at Tire City to buy an actual dirt track racing car. But, theirs is a love for the ages and she remains confident. Her text messages are tagged with his initials and the words ‘true love forever’ so it must be true.  I won’t write about that though, because, as I was made acutely aware by my social worker sister, teasing 18yr olds about their love life is childish, and I’m the only one who finds it funny.

I suppose I could tell you all about my encounter with my high-school nemesis, Dan, at an Alumni Hockey game, but it’s pretty weaksauce. Really the only thing worth saying is that we haven’t seen each other in twenty years and I was trying to politely ignore the dick while he kept asking increasingly personal questions.  When he asked,” So, Rod. How much money you making at that cushy Government job of yours?”  I nearly snapped. “Really, Dan? I haven’t talked to you in twenty years and within five minutes you manage to ask me how much money I make?  More than you, you fat fuck. When was the last time you saw your dick in the shower? How’s that for a question?  As I walked off I actually was pretty proud of myself for that one…. but the rest is just fluff so I’ll skip it.

So I guess I haven’t got shit to write about. I’m just glad it’s over. And I think I’ll spend Christmas at home with my dogs and maybe a twelve pack.

  1. nursemyra says:

    Dicks can be pretty hard to ignore……

  2. bschooled says:


    Please, Rod. Write about your niece. Young love is just so…real.

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