WTF Wednesday – Putting the Hump back in Humpday

Posted: December 1, 2010 in humor, Nick Nolte is a smooth operator, not the good kind, sex, WTF Wednesdays

They say good things come in threes. I don’t know shit about that, but I do know that the following three stories have one thing in common; they made me think, What the Fuck?!?

Since it’s the holiday shopping season, I figured I’d start off with a great gift buying idea for the hard to buy for friend, pervy uncle or the weird neighbor who stares a little too long and whistles softly to himself as you walk by.

It’s a genuine Snooki Blow Up Doll. 

Sausagefest? Not with this little honey around.  She’s the Jersey whore who’s always ready for more. Pretend your living in style on the Jersey Shore. Pop in some Bon Jovi to set the mood and, as the box says, fill her three greasy holes with gravy.

 Gravy?? WTF!

Moving right along…. Well now, which one of us is proud of our mug shot on file with the local police? I know I’m not. My hair was all fucked up and my shirt didn’t match my eyes, Nick Nolte style. Had I known I was going to be immortalized on film I would have done that shit right.  Just like my next guest did….err … does. Weekly.

Ima stunna like no otha

Like many young women preparing for the weekend, hairdresser Kaylin Ransom has her nails done and picks out her nicest clothes. But then she drives more than an hour for a weekly appointment she can’t miss: having her mug shot taken at the county jail. Every Friday for the past six months, Ransom has traveled to the Lake County Jail as part of her 90-day weekend sentence on aggravated-battery and child-abuse charges.

This fashion concious sister gets thirty chances to get her glamour shot posted on the Lake County Sheriff’s Office website.

I know what you’re thinking. Rod, there’s no sex in this story. What gives?  I beg to differ, as does Ms. Ransom’s weekend cellmate, Jill, who was quoted as saying, ” Damn, she fine. Every Friday I’s like all tingly and shit. ‘Round fo tirty, Ima like, Hoooo gurrl, I can’t wait to tear that shit up!”

I like to end these things on a high note. Ya know, something that really just says, WHAT! THE! FUCK!…  So, I saved this next pearl for last. 

What’s a lonely nerdling to do, all alone again on a Friday night? If he could only find the right girl to ease his mind and the unrelenting boner in his corduroys. Sixteen year old, David Gillem Jr. found a way to get the girl of his dreams. He built her. Out of Legos. 

Mavis Gillard almost fainted when she opened her son’s bedroom door and caught David Jr. with what appeared to be a naked girl in bed.

A first she wanted to scream bloody murder, but on taking a closer look she knew something was more than a little odd. The Blond-haired vixen was made entirely of Lego blocks. The form was shockingly accurate in almost every detail, even down to the blue eyes and perfectly square 36dd breasts, typical for women with plastic augmentation.

 

That’s right, folks, the industrious little pervenstein not only built himself a girl, he took her for a test ride.

Mavis’ husband Bernie wasn’t as kind as he grilled Johnny over the use and reason for what was later referred to as, ‘Barbara Big Boobs.’

“She’s my friend and yes, we do have sex, sorta… Who cares, my friends like her and so do I.”

Taking over 125,000 pink-colored Legos and more than an estimated 2,200 hours to assemble, Barbara Big Boobs travels everywhere Johnny is able to lug her, and rumor has it that Barbara is equally “friendly” with David’s friends. Earning her keep, “she” has helped repay the more than five hundred dollar tab for her own construction

Sorta?!? WTF does that even mean?  And am I getting this straight? He not only gets it on with Lego Lolita, he pimps the bitch out to his friends too???  Holy BATSHIT Crazy, Batman!

David Gillard Sr. decided that his son is emotionally unstable and may require psychiatric attention, but others seem to disagree. The Lego Corporation wants to hire young David in order to create the design for a kit so the company can send more Barbara “models” to remote places like Antarctica, North Korea, or the International Space Station to entertain and amuse men working in prolonged isolation.

Psychiatric attention? Hmmmm… perhaps.  A gallon of Jergens lotion and some wetnaps?  Most Definitely! 

Enjoy your Humpday, folks.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. singlegirlie says:

    Um, call me crazy, and I can’t really testify because I don’t have a penis that I know of, but I’d think making love to Barbara’s box would be rather uncomfortable, if not downright painful. Nerd boy shoulda just gotten the dern Snookie doll. At least that’s made of *soft* plastic.

  2. nursemyra says:

    That Lake County site is scary

  3. bschooled says:

    “…perfectly square 36dd breasts, typical for women with plastic augmentation.”

    I had to give myself the heimlich after reading this. (I choked on a lego-long story.)

    • Rod says:

      It’s a good thing you’re trained in life saving maneuvers like that.

      I wonder what his mother thought he was doing all that time in his room? And at what point do you become disturbed about your 16yr olds penchant for Legos?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s