The Future is Hairless, Dresses Funny and is like really AMAZING!

Posted: April 1, 2011 in hairless today = itchy tomorrow, humor, I think Don Mills would agree, What's up with nurses anyway?

 If you ask me, we are doomed, because if the children are our future, we are seriously screwed.
What’s that you say? I’m being harsh and overly judgmental? No, I’m not, and I’ll tell you why. In recent weeks I’ve had the opportunity to look the future in the eyes, (and eavesdrop on its conversations) and let me tell you, it didn’t give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I got that feeling from a nurse in a bar in Portland, Maine, but that’s a different post all together.
Now, to be clear, when I’m talking about the future, I’m referring to teenagers. Even more specifically, I’m referring to my 18yr old niece, my 15yr old nephew and a modest sampling of their idiot friends.

Here are three things I learned.
1. Despite being connected on a Global Network in the most technologically advanced society the world has ever known, EVERYTHING is AMAZING! Their boyfriends are AMAZING! Their girlfriends are AMAZING! Cheesy pop singers are AMAZING! Facebook is AMAZING! Youtube videos of morons crashing into walls are AMAZING! Apparently, the threshold for teenage amazement is pretty friggin low.
Here’s a tip. When hearing that a teenage girl’s boyfriend is AMAZING! It is not advisable to ask, “What, are you dating a magician?” Because, clearly, you need to lighten up and you are the only one who thinks that’s funny.

2. The rules of common sense regarding the wearing of clothes do not apply to teenagers. Look. Ol’ Rod is by no means some kind of fashion template for the hordes to follow. However, call me crazy but when it is 10 degrees Fahrenheit, to me it seems perfectly logical to wear a jacket. Additionally, when I leave the house, I don’t wear pajamas and slippers. When did that become ok? I suppose in the future we’ll all be walking around with our bathrobes open, with our teeth chattering in the coolest of ways.

Another tip. The question “That’s what you’re wearing?” will always be replied with a rolling of the eyes and the word,” Why?” Furthermore, I don’t advise answering the why with,” Because, you look like a mental patient out for a walk.” If you do say this, expect to be asked what your fucking problem is.

3. The future is hairless. The only exception here is for boys. In their case, growing a wispy gaggle of chin hair sans moustache only adds in making them AMAZING! The rest of the body must be shaved smooth, a la pornstar style, lest he be denigrated by female teens for having “O.M.G. hair on his balls, ewwwww!”
Final tip. Don’t eavesdrop on a teen’s conversation unless you are prepared to hear shit that will blow your freaking mind.

Bonus tip. Don’t refer to a teenage girl’s AMAZING! boyfriend as Amish Dave unless you want to be told “Jesus, would you let it go!” and again…. “You are the only one who thinks it’s funny.” (My personal favorite)

Maybe it’s just me. But I kind of long for the days when I would trim up the goatee, take a Sassoon jean wearing girl out on a date in my “Totally Rad” Mustang with the hope that she might be into fondling my hairy nutsack. LOLZ Bitches!

  1. bschooled says:

    Ha! This post is AWESOME!

    I don’t even want to tell you how much time I spend creeping on my younger cousins’ Facebook walls just because I’m so fascinated by the conversations they have with their friends. The fifteen year old boy goes through girlfriends like I go through underwear (if I wore underwear, that is). And the seventeen year-old girl is the reason I know so much about what to say in an “insult rap battle”.

  2. Amazing.

    Hair is good.

  3. Dr. Cynicism says:

    Haha… Amish Dave 🙂 Your post was AMAZING!

  4. Vodka says:


    My favorite: “Maybe it’s just me. But I kind of long for the days when I would trim up the goatee, take a Sassoon jean wearing girl out on a date in my “Totally Rad” Mustang with the hope that she might be into fondling my hairy nutsack. LOLZ Bitches!”

  5. singlegirlie says:

    1. Thank god I am not the only person to be sickened by the overuse of “amazing.” The prevalence of this word completely negates its meaning.

    2. Disgusting. And embarrassing. I had a Columbian girl once tell me, why do they say the U.S. is so fashion forward? People go to the bank in pajamas.

    3. Hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If women are required to be hairless, I’m not complaining that the same now applies to men. If both genders can let it all grow out, let’s DO it.

    Missed you!

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