Archive for the ‘Popped the question cherry’ Category

I’ve made a pretty lofty claim by saying I know stuff. It was only a matter of time until someone took me to task on such outrageousness, and it seems like that day has arrived. So, it’s time to go where the rubber meets the road in a matter of speaking and actually answer a reader’s question. Again, if you have a question you need an answer to you can post it in the comment section of the Got Questions? page or you can send it to the email address also found on that page. I actually check that thing once in a while.

Via email reader Joyce (fake name to protect her identity) asks, “Rod, if that is your name, my 14 yr old son doesn’t listen to a damn thing I say. He doesn’t budge when I ask him to clean up after himself. His room is always a mess and smells like feet and dirty underwear. He treats me like I’m his maid not his mother. How do I get him to respect me and do what I ask him to?”

Dear Joyce, Let me start by saying thanks for the question and yes, Rod is my real name. I’m confident I’ve got the answer to your dilemma, but  first may I offer some advice of a related nature? If you care at all about preserving your identity it’s  generally a good idea not to send a complete stranger an email using your primary email address, especially the one you used when you signed up for Facebook. While I don’t have a hmmm.. let’s call it ‘real’ Facebook page, I do have a fake one so I can stalk keep up with old ‘friends’. By pasting your email address in the search tab I was able to not only see your page but those of your friends and family and were I not an all around good guy, I could be sending all sorts of weirdo shit to your friends and family instead of trying to help you out with your problem. Jus’ saying. By the way, by looking at your pictures I can say that. 1. You have a very nice bathroom. 2. Your grandparent’s 56th wedding anniversary cookout looked like a blast. Seriously, so many happy faces. And your captions? Classic!

Ok, let’s get down to business. There are basically three answers I could give you. First I could tell you that since I’m a childless recluse I don’t have to worry about shit like that and you’re on your own. I mean face it, I’m never going to fret about saying the wrong thing or wonder if I’ve set the right example or if my teenage daughter has sent pictures of her cooch to the entire lacrosse team. Why? Because I’m Child Free! I’ve got a life. But no, Joyce. I won’t tell you that.

I could tell you that I checked out your son’s Facebook page and honestly, Travis seems cooler than you. I mean, hey, he’s got like 500 friends. What do you got? 42? Lamo! You’re lucky he even acknowledges you as kin. You should seriously count yourself lucky and just do whatever he wants and ride the dude’s coattails lest he Unfriend you. You don’t want that do you? No, Joyce. You don’t.  So just ignore the problem. Let the boy do his thang and pray to God it all works out in the end. This second method is what I refer to as My Sister’s Plan of Action. But, as my Mother has pointed out to my Sister, thousands and thousands of times over the course of 18yrs, this way of doing things is going to Bite you in the ass, and then you’ll be sorry. Coincidently, my Sister is in the midst of having her ass bit viciously to which my Mother says,  I told you. Did you think I was talking to the fucking walls?  But would you listen???? Noooooooo not you. Well now you know.  Anyway, Joyce. I don’t recommend  you go this route.

Which brings me to what I think you should do. Joyce, my mother was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. What she was good at though, was keeping her word. So I have to go with what she would do in this case. Warn the boy that he will lose his shit if he doesn’t take care of it.  If Travis doesn’t clean his room, tell him pigs don’t have nice things and while he is at school take his shit and get rid of it. I don’t mean hide it. I mean throw it away. If he leaves soda cans lying around. Don’t buy soda. If he has clothes lying around on his floor, then the boy clearly has too many clothes.  You see Joyce. You are the fucking ADULT! He is the child. You control his destiny, not the other way around. When he learns that you mean what you say he will come around, if not out of respect then out of a good old-fashioned healthy fear of losing his shit. Trust me. 13 yr old Rod learned this the hard way, but I only had to learn it once.

So there you go. Question asked and answered. You are most welcomed. Of course, judging by your photo album entitled… Goin 2 da club… I suppose you’re going to take my Sister’s Plan of Action and run with it. Good luck with that, let me know how it works out for you.