Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Time Is Not On My Side…

Posted: March 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

So, I’m back. Kinda. 

Life threw ol’ Rod a couple curveballs in recent weeks and though I could be a wuss and complain about how I’ve been beset by a series of unfortunate events, I won’t.

I will, however, briefly describe them.

1. Family illness – Apparently my mother is not an inhuman she-devil destined to live forever. In fact, as the last few weeks have proven, she is quite human and just as susceptible to cardiac disease as the rest of us.

2. Family mental breakdown: I’m being a bit flippant here but Mom’s extended hospital stay and subsequent dance with death served as the proverbial straw for my sister, who’s been dealing with a couple of shit teenagers for the last few years and dealing with my parents while I have been living in relative safety several states away. To say I feel a bit of guilt is probably the understatement of the year.

3. The joys of a new jobs: Nothing makes a new boss happier than telling him a couple of weeks after you start that you have to leave for an extended period of time.  He was not psyched about it in the least and is now making me ‘pay’.  Funny thing about the new job, I actually have to work…. WTF is up with that?

I guess those are the big three that have been eating my time. It sucks, but sometimes life sucks…Nothing funny about it.

If anyone was wondering what happened to the crazy lady who took up residence in my house after three dates…. I very calmly and without making any startling movements told her that it was probably a good idea that we didn’t see each other again. Then I changed my locks and hid the knives. I did that before I had to leave so I was fairly certain that I would return to find my house burned to the ground or a giant dick spray painted on my garage door.  To my surprise, I returned to find the house still standing and the door dick free. Small victories.

So folks, life goes on.

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Man, a lot can happen in twenty days. That’s how long it’s been since I last posted, not that it matters.  Hmmmm… where to start?  Let’s see. I switched jobs. Yup, just like that. I don’t know what everyone is bitching about. It was pretty easy to get a new gig, especially when you have a particular set of skills like me.  Kidding… sort of.   Actually, I am working for the company I worked for before I left to take the job I just left. Get that?  Try to keep up. The great thing about it is the guy who I “worked” for last time now works for me….. It’s called Karma, dude, and she’s a miserable bitch.  So now I’ve got about 6 people who aren’t real happy to see me around.

What else?  Well, Ol’ Rod’s love life has been a bit ….oh let’s call it…. interesting.  There’s actually some funny shiz here but before I post about it I’m going to ask you a question.  How much time should elapse from the time you meet a woman to the time she feels it’s perfectly ok to enter your house while you are at work and make herself at home for the entire day, to include inviting two girlfriends over to ‘talk and watch TV’ ?????  I’m seriously asking, but I’m pretty sure the answer is longer than three dates.  My life is like a bad comedy.

Next up, got another call from the Army, more to follow on this.

And finally, I lent my services to one Denny DelVecchio over at YourNewBADHabit.blogspot.com and wrote him the consummate personal ad.  And while I certainly think there were better entries, he picked mine to help him score tons of Wisconsin Trim.

Bonne Chance, Senor!

Somebody pass the Prozac…

Posted: January 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

So yeah, it’s a new year. Whatever.  If you ask me, the holidays are overrated. Christmas? What the hell was that all about? The highlight of mine was fielding a drunken phone call from my sister complaining that her two shit for brains kids don’t appreciate anything and blaming me for moving away and leaving her to deal with my mother.  If that doesn’t scream Seasons Greetings, I don’t know what does.  She’s still pissed I bought her son a drum set when he was nine. It’s been 6 yrs, jesus, let it go already. And I’m still waiting for thank yous from the two shit for brains kids. Well, not really. I know they aren’t coming, because the two cretins don’t appreciate anything.

How was Rod’s New Years you ask? If you consider drinking a six-pack in front of the tube while telling two confused dogs what’s wrong with people today a good time, then it was awesome.  By the way, somebody please do Dick Clark a favor and put the poor bastard out of his misery. I mean, really what is he, 175 yrs old? Somebody put a pillow over his head and get it over with already. Christ.

So, Ol’ Rod is feeling a bit out of sorts. I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m not feeling like myself. Maybe the near death experience with last month’s illness messed with my brain. I don’t know. Maybe it’s man-o-pause.  Whatever it is, I’d like it to be done now, please.

I start a new job in a couple weeks. That should be fun. My current job is moving to an Army post in New Jersey and well, Rod ain’t moving to fucking New Jersey so that’s that.  No offense to Senor DelVecchio, but  NJ just isn’t my cup of tea. I also received a very weird phone call from a General I used to work for. I say weird because:

1. I’d like to know how the hell he got my cell number. He wouldn’t tell me.

2. He was all like, So…you done hiding in the woods and playing civilian yet? And I was all like…Uhh what the hell’s that supposed to mean, Sir.  And he was like…you’re still commissioned you know… and I was all, yes Sir I know that.
And he was all… I could really use you over here ( Fudgepackaboyistan) And I was all… uhhh no thanks, Sir… and he was all… I could just have orders cut for you, you know… and I said, I know.

Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing, going back to active duty. Anyway, now I half expect a certified letter to show up at my house any day now.

So I suppose that’s it for now. Good times.

vacation interrupted

Posted: November 15, 2010 in Uncategorized

Technically, I’m on day three of my vacation.  Unfortunately, I had to make an appearance in the office to make sure my co-worker didn’t throw me under the bus and now that I’m confident the little work I actually do will get done, I’ve got a minute to give you all a little update on the status of my vacay.

1. I haven’t shaved in six days. I believe the scientific term is  ‘Wicked Itchy’.  I’m actually looking a little like the Unibomber right now, and honestly kinda digging it.

2. Sat. night I met two of the funniest dudes ever. Both of them are in their 60’s and from NYC. One introduced himself as Elliot the Jew.  They had me in stitches all night until I was asked to leave for violating the ‘No Profanity’ rule for the 126th time after declaring, “Elliot, you Goddamn Magnificent Jew, You kill me.”

3.  Yesterday is pretty much a blur… I must have forecasted this though, because this morning I found crumpled notes to myself strewn throughout the cabin. One reads: The mice must die.   Thankfully, at some point God intervened and hid my keys because I vaguely remember trying to find them because I was convinced I needed drive 10 miles to buy more whiskey before I actually ran out of whiskey.  This morning I found them in my pants pocket. Thank you, sweet baby jesus.

Finally, and in all seriousness, thank you for the comments.

Off to the woods…..

Posted: November 12, 2010 in Uncategorized

Wow, I’ve been doing this thing for two whole weeks now. I think I need a break. 

Actually, I’ve had a vacation planned for some time now and it’s finally here. Not that anyone cares, but I’ll be gone next week. I’ve got a chateau shack in the Adirondacks and about this time every year I take a week and play hermit. It’s kind of like my version of Eat, Pray, Love only in my case it would be titled Drink, Scratch, Scream at the Night.  It’s a pretty spartan existence up there, somewhere in between tent camping and staying at a full amenities lodge.  Of course, Thursdays are wing night at the bar in town so I probably won’t go the entire week without seeing another person.  And now that I think about it, Tuesdays are Taco night so I’ll probably hit that too. Ya know, who am I kidding? The chances are pretty good I’ll spend the whole week at the bar and sleep in my truck in the parking lot.

 So, you won’t see my IP address visiting your blogs 80 times a day (your tax dollars at work) checking to see if you wrote new stuff to make me laugh or if you’ve replied to my lame comments. Except maybe on Tuesday, because I don’t trust the douche I work with to handle the one project that must be completed then. Then it’s back to the woods, for real. Seriously, I’ll hate myself if I miss Taco night.

Have a great week people and remember to stay out of the hot sun.

Lowbrow Monday…

Posted: November 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

If you ask me this is some funny shiz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXL6KZJnRtg&feature=channel

The moves for effect….priceless.

It reminds me of another snot nosed 7th grader I had in one of my classes.  To get exact my revenge on him for being such a jackhole I rearranged the seating chart placing him in the far corner of the classroom. I surrounded him with the cruelest  most ‘popular’  girls in the classroom and during silent reading, I walked over to him,  floated a trouser biscuit vile enough to curl the hair in your nose, then waited.  Before he could say anything, I coughed and said loudly, “C’mon Todd, was that really necessary?” And then I walked away…. smugly.

So, apparently I have one of those faces that puts people at ease and makes them feel like its ok to tell me their life story or their problems. For the most part I’m ok with that.  Partly because I’m a pretty quiet dude until the fourth or fifth drink, but mostly because I file a shit ton of what’s told to me into my vault of knowledge regarding all things about the human condition.  Seriously, I’m like wikipedia in that respect. I’m sure not all of it’s completely true, but it sounds good enough that I rarely get called on it. Usually, while someone is waxing moronic poetic about whatever it is they feel the need to tell me, at some point they will ask me what I think.

For example, yesterday I’m hiding from the wife  sitting at a fine local establishment enjoying  a couple of frosty beverages when a woman I have never met in my life starts telling me about her dating woes.  I’m only on drink two at this point so I just nod, smile weakly and let her vent.

Blah Blah Blah, she met a guy. He’s really nice and works at some engineering firm. They danced, they laughed, they kissed. He has no kids. She has three. Its tough to meet people…blah blah. Her kids are all sick with the flu… some shit about her sister. This guy is an only child. 

I smile and pretend to give a shit while she blabbles on nonstop. Somewhere around my fourth beer she hits me with the question.

Do you believe in love at first sight??  Hmmm.. now I’m thinking. Mentally I scanned the vault and found the appropriate jewel of wisdom to lay down on her.  So here’s what I told her.

Once when I lived in South Texas I was out at a Tejano club. Which if you knew me is hilarious in its own right, because I’m like the whitest dude on the planet. Think Kiefer Sutherland with Conan O’brien’s hair and you got me. Anyhow I was chilling when I locked eyes with a Latina princess I will never ever forget.  Long jet black, shiny hair, big doe eyes, full lips. In a word, I was horny smitten. Confidently, I walked over and introduced myself and asked her what her name was.  She smiled and said, “I’m Sally.”

Sally? WTF? I was expecting Maria or Alejandra or Selena, I don’t know, something Spanish sounding. Sally totally threw me for a loop. Anyway, believe it or not Poison’s Every Rose has its Thorn starts playing and I’m thinking this is about as surreal as it gets so I ask her to dance and she agrees.

It was the best dance ever, Sensual, sultry and boner inducing. Sally did this twirling thing with her fingers on the back of my neck that had my chalupa ready for action.  When the dance ended we moved to a table and tried talking.  This is where it all went bad. Sally habla’d like no English. And me, well I know like one sentence in Spanish and I already knew where the bathroom was so things were dead in the water. Besides that she was getting some unapproving looks from her friends and a small group of mean looking Spanish dudes where assembling and giving ol Rod the hairy eyeball so, reluctantly,  I broke contact and made my way to the bar to sip my beer and pine for things that could have been.

At closing time, as I made my way to the door, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to find Sally there looking up at me  with those big doe eyes.  Immediately my hope and boner were restored. I smiled widely and tried to use my eyes to communicate my feelings. I knew she caught my drift. Gently, her tiny brown hand cupped my nutsack and slowly and with purpose she said, ” Your peekle made my bun.”  Then she left.

Your peekle made my bun.  I turned the words over in my mind and decided I had no idea what the fuck she meant. But I knew my peekle and I would love her forever.

When I fininshed telling my story, I gazed off wistfully for effect and then said,” Yeah ,maybe I am a believer. You’re welcome.”

My new found bar friend looked at me a little strangely, asked if I was drunk and then looked at her watched and made an excuse to leave.

“Goodluck with whatshisface,” I called after her, satisfied that I had made her world a better place.